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e-book DRUNKS AND THEIR SHRINKS PISS ME OFF

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I wish one person out there could tell me that they found happiness with someone. At least I think it is. Why jump out of frying pan and into a fryer? Ladies, I hear read what most of you are saying. I feel like I have no where to go. I have a questions to everyone. HOW did you leave? I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. We recently purchased a home in March Immediately after, everything went to shit.

Urban Thesaurus

He had been sober for many years, most of our relationship. He began drinking secrately after we had our son in Feb. I did not become aware until I found him passed out on the floor of our new home when he was supposed to be working on the home. He has made numerous half ass attempts to stop but each round of drinking is getting worse and worse. I know I need to leave. He has refused to move out of the house. But I have my son, dog and two cats in the home. The home is in both of our names. Is there any way to get him out of the house?

He is verbally abusive and trashes the house. He has not hurt me physically, but I feel that it may be headed there. NOT the man i love. He is rude, sloppy, lazy and just plain mean. I want him out of the house so I can sell it. He will not agree to sell the house, or to move out. I have no where to go, and no money to pay for a mortgage and an apartment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He has been on mg of methadone for the past 10 years and was pretty functional until about 3 maybe 4 years ago then started slowly progressing downhill.

First off, he was a union electrician and made good money but the economy turned and he would sit for months without work so finally stopped paying dues. He got arrested with a bottle of prescription pills. He ended up getting probation and SLAP and losing his license for 6 months. During that time his mother died from Lupus and I got pregnant with my 2nd son who is now 4. Drinking and abuse is daily now. My life has become nothing but anxiety and worrying about what to do to save my family. Unlike many of you, I do not love my husband and could care less if he fell off the earth.

My husband received 20k from a life insurance, 8k of which we used to buy a decent vehicle plus I paid the mortgage and some bills. He is supposed to get another 30 or 40k soon part of which I want to use to hire a lawyer. My best friend and I managed to get all but 5 of the cats out of there but much of the house is not in good shape because of cat piss. My old bedroom and the basement are the only rooms that are currently livable. His dying wish was to fix up her house so my kids and I could move back there and get away from my husband. I had a friend of my best friend move in and he is fixing up the biggest bedroom for my kids to live in.

So far the cat smell seems much better tho the polyurethane is still fresh. My kids are so happy and beautiful. Where do I start? Someone please help us.. Reading this website and many of the comments has given me the final helping of strength I need to ask my alcoholic husband to leave — immediately. And he will peacefully.

Read that again! You never have to stop loving them even though you may never see them again. And if you really love them, you cannot enable them. It will make you sicker than they are and nobody wants that. You just have to love yourself and your children if you have them because they should always come first. Otherwise, you will condemn THEM to misery later on in their life as they will follow the pattern you set. Walk away, no matter what. Thank you for the website and thanks to all of you for posting your most painful situation. May God bless all of us and heal us and our children to walk in a clear and safe path.

Finally making moves to get away. I have had five really bad years in my 20 year marriage. My husband has anger management issues- becomes violent and rages. I have been shaken, throttled, shoved, bruised. He started medication for depression last year. But he does it over and over. He got drunk and broke a hotel room door when we were on a romantic get away to try and start over.

That was in October. Now on New Years Eve we had a strategy- one drink an hour, spacing out drinks. He immediately starting pounding drinks, got drunk and lost his temper at me. He has been to AA once. His psych MD and all the therapists tell him he has to stop drinking or at least moderate it. But he keeps drinking.

Finally I told him its over. I half way hope this will be his wake up call. I told him calmly that I am divorcing him and we will sit down this weekend to discuss how to proceed. I am not offering advice or suggestions. I want him to stew in his thoughts. He is quiet and thinking. I am ready this time- I am 45 but I have a good job and I take care of myself. I am not scared to be alone. My kids are 16 and only one living at home. I suspect she will be ok when he moves out. Incidentally I have kicked him out before and he always comes back and swears it will be better.

He has been my friend. I know I will want to waver but I will keep reminding myself of what I have been thru. Wish me luck! I can only move forward. My name is jasmine berry, and i am a 17 year old step daughter of an alcoholtic. He has called me so many things such as a spoiled brat,a liar and many other things i cant say. He has said multiple times that mom is the reason for him drinking. Mom has left him multiple times and come back to him.

I am just so tired of it so tired and i want mom to change her life around and live to be very happy. I love her very much and i have already seen most of the best parts of my mom go away from her when she is with him. I am in the Military and my husband is an alcoholic. We have been through a lot of ups and downs some my fault, some his. I joined the Military to support our family because he was not able to find steady work.

Over the years 20 he has not held a job for long. He was the one who stayed home with the kids when I deployed or had to travel for work. It seemed like throughout our married life, everytime he stepped back from a responsibility, I stepped up because it had to be done. Our oldest is now graduated from college and on his own, our second child is still in college.

My husband for the past 11 years has not held a job at all. The excuse was so that he was available to drive the children where they needed to go.

When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?

Now there is no excuse, he just sits at home all day everyday watching tv. He makes dinner once in a while and cleans the kitchen up. Mostly he just sits around. He goes on drinking binges where he will polish off a 12 pack or two of beer a day for three or four days then be sick for the next day or two. He has lost his license due to a DUI in my brand new car while I was deployed. He still drives himself to the store to buy beer and more beer even when he is drunk. All of our vehicles are in my name and registered to me. I live in on-post housing.

Do I love him, yes. I also hate almost everything about him, it is like having a child that will never grow up and take responsibility of their lives. He contributes nothing to our home. I ask him to get help. I ask him to do something. I ask him to get a job. Nothing ever changes. I have worked since I was 13 years old and I am so tired. I tell him that his behavoir is killing me slowly because of the stress.

I have arthritis in most of my joints and fibromyalgia. I hurt all day every day and dealing with his drinking is becoming to much. Ok, I kicked my alcoholic husband out for the first time ever. We are 11 weeks pregnant. What do I wait for? I told him it was too soon to come home when he asked if he had to find a place to stay last night. It has been two nights so far and of course I miss him incredibly but I do not miss the demon and I will not live with the demon any more.

I need advice from those who have been there before please. I am at a crossroads, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months and thought I had finally met the love of my life. Unfortunately, his mother is the classic enabler and always has an excuse. I have been married to an alcoholic for 15 years. His behavior has gotten so dangerous and horrible that I am considering leaving.. I filed a police report. My alcoholic husband called our family doctor and went on a character defamation tangent about me. Last December he and his alcoholic buddies decided to replace the element in the hot water heater..

I took what I could out of the basement for a special garbage pick up. I am disabled and can only do so much. When I intervened he yelled at me so viciously I ran into the bedroom trying in a panic to find something to defend myself with.. Forgetting my cell phone was in plain sight. This is just the tip of the ice berg. The other day his verbal abuse got me so upset I backed into a local utility truck. No damage but it showed how he can upset me. I am getting counseling ,going to al-anon, and going to doctors. I was discussing the syndrome alcoholics get when they are nearing dementia with our family doctor, mine is showing signs.

When cleaning out one of his boxes of papers I found medical bills from when he was admitted for treatment before we were married.. This is just the tip of the ice berg for his behavior.. Meantime lawyers cost money so I am saving up but since i am disabled am trying to find subsidized housing,which I am not qualified for because I own a house…. I would like to move out by my daughter and her family, 3 hours away…. My husband is an alcoholic. He stops drinking for months but then will go on a binge where he drinks until he passes out.

His mannerisms and behaviors while drunk repulse me. I cannot stomach having him in my sight. When he is out, I cringe thinking tht he is walking in instead of being out all night. We are 33 and have been together or 18 years. I just recently or to this point that I cannot stand it. This makes me so sad and upset. Thanks for listening. They all sound like my situation rolled up into one.

My husband is a business manager for the same company for 33 yrs. We have had our trials with life and family, as all marriages do, but the biggest demon I live with daily is his alcoholism. Soon as he comes home he breaks open a 12pk beer at 4 pm. I no longer do barn chores because I felt I was covering for him to just sit and drink.

Instead he has figured out right timing to go do chores, get in truck about 7 pm and head out drive to local gas station for more beer. Downing anywhere from an pk each night. His employees have approached him and myself about it. Along with many other friends. Its been called, tobacco, lottery tickets, butter, fuel, you name it…. That my husband needs help. I realized imm covering and picking up the peices where he slacks.

He even told his dad last week he treats beer like his wife. We never see him empty handed and he is teetering on physcial abuse after emotional and mental. My son and I have beenn stabbed with a fork, I caught myy husbands hand around my sons throat last week threatening him and my son screaming and crying leave us alone. My detachment and protection is turning into anger and hate. I recently applied for a job got silent treatment over that.

I believe the doors to freedom are opening up. I feel we are prisoners in our own home with very little food except what we grow, hunt, and butcher ourselves. It must stop. Issue with his first marriage of 16 yrs. I have been with the father of my child and one on the way for almost 5 years. I have left him for days, weeks, months…and the longer I leave him, the longer he stays sober. In Aug of , he was in a near death accident, and was impaled.

I helped get him back on his feet, and I really thought things would be different. He wanted to have another baby, and I said yes. Over time though, he started getting back into it. I stayed because I hoped that instead of leaving him, I could help him. He needed me, and so I did what I thought was right. Jekyll and Mr. He just becomes mean, or seems mentally challenged. I love the man he is when he is sober, hes funny, and intelligent.

The only problem is he is a doomsayer, and the fear that the world will end soon is what gets him drinking. I have said all the write things, and all the wrong ones…I just feel so stressed, so used, and so tired. I try telling him how I feel, and even sober, he gets mad at me for being so upset about it, threatens to leave ME and takes off for a night or two. My son is in daycare half days right now, and I cannot afford a babysitter, or more daycare… I am even in a program that helps pay for it. He wont go to AA. I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband.

I have struggled with this decision for years and know that I have no alternatives since the drinking has only gotten worse and my respects for him at this point is non-existent. Unfortunately, my husband is a high functioning alcoholic, which means he drinks a lot every night four beers and 4 or 5 mixers, going through a two liter of vodka once a week, often coupling alcohol with Vicodin , yet he can get up in the morning, go to work and has never received a DUI. I am terrified for my young children because although my husband loves his children, he cannot function without alcohol, is unaware of how much he drinks, and he is irresponsible when he drinks.

Does anyone have a similar situation? As far as I know, I I could initiate a custody battle but because there is no documentation, I would most likely lose. I am hesitant to drag my young children through a custody battle unless I have some certainty that I could win. I would love to hear any thoughts from anyone who has had a similar experience. I have posted on here before and my question was that do you think that living with an alcoholic can make you sick physically. I have been impacted with his behavior and him not working very much at all so he is home all the time and just wears me out and complains no matter what yuo do.

He is just out there and struggles to be sober for very many days, you can see it just acts extremely happy then low all over the place. This has been enlightening. I just separated from my functional alcoholic husband after 10 years. The hardest part is that I have a 2 and 4 year old daughter and we are sharing custody. I was hoping for years he would cheat so I could leave. I guess that should have told me something. He was controlling, unloving, and mean. At first he admitted it and sought counseling but I shut down and no longer wanted to go.

I had been going for years without him trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He is still drinking. I was intimidated by him throughout marriage and feared standing up to him. Now he calls me selfish and tells me I causing the divorce. I am but never wanted to. I think harder than divorce is trying to get an admittedly selfish, controlling functional alcoholic to genuinely love you. I had to leave before I broke. I am beyond amazed at how many people are going through exactly the same thing I am. I am 16 years old. My moms boyfriend is an alcoholic. They have been together for 6 years I think now.

It is very, very painful to watch my mom just be treated like shit. I am starting to slowly lose my sanity. My moms boyfriend is verbally abusive to my mom and there was one night he was physically abusive. I will never forget that night. I was about 11 years old; my mom and him had been out. When they came home, he was drunk of course. I soon realized that it was my mom groaning in pain, because her boyfriend punched her right into her chest. I remeber that excact moment.


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My mom lying on the ground in pain, her boyfriend yelling at me and me just balling my eyes out. You do not do that to my mom! About 15 minutes later he drove to his house, drunk. It has been a very painful 6 years. I have extreme anxiety and muscle twitches because of this, I am depressed, I have no selfconfidence in myself and neither does my mom. I want out of this situation. Her and I both deserve better. Sorry I am going on a rant here, but I just wanted to share my feelings and emotions. Thank you for reading my story! I will re-post on here soon to let you know what ends up happening; if my mom leaves him or not.

Thanks again! At the start of our relationship he rarely drank. Might take a few beers to a party or function but that was it. Just before we got married 5yrs ago he started drinking heavily I put it down to stress and grief at the time as he worked gave cpr on a client for about 30 minutes until the paramedics arrived and she died. I thought time would heal him. He drinks every night, he passes put on the lounge or on the toilet, if he does make it to bed he wets himself.

Most of the time i cannot wake him up so i try to drag him. Most of the time i just give him a blanket and put a pillow under hos head and make sure he is warm and safe. When i do wake him up he yells at me and gets agressive. About 10 months ago I filmed him one night. He looked at the footage and cried. He asked me to call the dr so he could get help. It was a reality check. The dr. I thought I was so close.

I continue to support him because I love him. About 3 months ago he was bad and I threatened to leave again , he then explained that there is another reason why he drinks. He admitted to me that he likes to dress as a woman in the bedroom in lingerie I tried my best to support him and embrace it. I let him do it and we had sex whilst he was dressed up mind you it was the full deal and I wanted to vomit the whole time. He looks as though he has been doing it for while and he even said he had dressed up before we got married.

He kept it a secret as he thought I would leave him. I feel so deceived. It made me sick. I was so turned off. He never hits me but we argue when he drinks because he gets aggressive, then he carries on and ignores me for 2 weeks. Then he is nice and then he does it all over again. Some of his thoughts and words have been suicidal! Thanks, I just stumbled on this site after googling help and support sites.

But he is definitely an alcoholic and gets very angry when I talk to him about his problem. I cannot go out with him anywhere because he will drink and he will get drunk. He is a highly functional alcoholic in terms of us never being financially strained or in any trouble with the law because of the drink but I just cannot enjoy life with him and his drinking.

He is so loving and so supportive and such a fun person but the drinking robs me of any semblance of the sober man I love. I have been doing research today on the alcoholic and the family dynamics. I took a class in college to educate myself on alcoholism and the possible ways to deal with my alcoholic husband and I came across this website. I have been married for 2 years and my alcoholic husband taunted my children while I was at work one night. My son who feared his step-father threw a punch at him and it knocked him out cold.

My husband was hospitalized and filed assault charges against my son. My son does not have any history of violence. He is actually very shy and researved. The charges were dropped and we attended family therapy. After 5 months my husband moved back in. My husband committed to sobriety last December. He has become intoxicated approx. He has been very clear that he hates all of my children and he always will.

He wants me to send my son to live with his father. He believes that because my son hit him, my son is in the wrong and its wrong for me to put my son before my husband. I am truly lost and feel confused. I think my husband is making the honest attempt at sobriety, so is it wrong for me to consider leaving him? I am going to try an make this as short as possible, because i could go on an on an it would take forever. This is one of the worst diseases I can think of because it effects a family as a whole and it is self inflicted.

This was a person that built his own house, ran marathons and was very sociable in life, now he barely can shave his beard, repeats things and sleeps where he lays down at night, this disease isint limited to one place in society, it can affect numerous people in various situations and if that person does not want help than whatever you do is pointless, you can try but you have to realize yourself when to get out, it just pains me that knowing the affects this disease can have on so many people that deal with this, young older, or people that have children, my prayers go out to all and hope you can deal with your situation as you see fit, but keep in mind as I know from personal experience, it is so hard.

My husband and I have been married for almost 18 yrs. We have 2 wonderful children 15 and Like a lot of you. I have wanted out of this marriage a long time. Really since my oldest was about 2 yrs old. I kept telling myself its our age. He will grow up and out of it etc. He didnt! I have threatened him. Left him. Kicked him out. And finally convinced him to go to detox. He refused to do AA, rehab, or anything else after and so 45 days filling his release from detox he started drinking again. He is going to stop.

While I am fully aware that he will never keep his promise. He refuses. He has never been phisically abusive but on occasion he is verbally abusive. Thank GOD I am strong enough to keep myself from be liven any of it. I have made a exit plan. And have followed though with most of it. But the difficulty is knowing that my children will have to spend time with him alone after I leave.

They are both at such a detramental period of their lives. Am I showing them strength by staying and that giving up on someone is not an option or that i am weak and afraid. Urrgh this is so frustrating. I pray every night for a sign. To make matters worse. My father in law and brother in law are also alcoholics. Pulling my hair out here. Is it morally correct to leave? Hi, I am in the same boat as lot others. I can relate to a lot of things that you have described. It is such a horrible feeling to live a miserable life with a drunk who is verbally abusive and sometimes physically threatening and breaking things around the house.

I am just fed up and I am just a step away from a separation but I am still confused due to mortgage and a 3 yr old. I never did figure out how to be a normal person, and it always makes me feel so isolated and lonely, but I did realize that there are a lot of people like me out there. I know what you're talking about. Trying to discover what's normal and the only thing I have to learn from is relationships in television which are not really that normal themselves but better than what I was taught growing up.

Conflict resolution is a big one for me I'm trying to work on because my house was full of drunken, angry silent treatment from my mom towards my dad and the kids us. PM me if you ever need to discuss this with a stranger, sometimes I feel that can help. I spent a lot of time around a very similar situation and can relate.

It will get better, trust me! This is a great question. My mom is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I used to think that anyone who drank any alcohol was an alcoholic. It took me a long time to realize alcohol can be drank in moderation. I don't really care for alcohol much. However, even though my mom continuously used to tell me drugs and alcohol ruined her life she always seemed to romanticize drugs. I am a recovering heroin addict now and I wonder how much of an influence my mom really had on my drug use. Both of my parents are alcoholics, one sober, the other not.

It has made me extremely intuitive to people's moods and behaviors. I feel as if I have to feel the vibes before trying anything. It can be very helpful, but very overwhelming, as well. Made me numb to a lot of stuff. It's really hard to talk to people about my personal issues and feelings, and literally nobody in my life really knows anything about my emotions and psyche. Growing up with someone like my mom for the majority of your life, you just stop caring at a certain point. Can relate. Some benefits I've seen though- like the high levels of rationalism in me.

When your parents don't care it's hard to think some god in the sky cares much either.. My alcoholic mother is the reason that i've never tried alcohol or any drug, so I have to thank her for that. However, she is a completely different and infuriating person when she's drunk. It leaves me with a lot of resentment toward her which drives a wedge between our relationship. It is sad because she is an amazing person when she's sober and I'd like for us to be closer. Ugh, yes I feel exactly the same.

It's like she's two different persons. My mother is a great person and I tell myself: next time you visit, be nice to her etc. And then she's drunk as hell and I want to leave right away.

Bad - My mom's voice is the voice I hear when I'm not perfect or feel insecure. Crazy how we internalize that kind of stuff. Good - I have vowed to never become my mother, and have fought my entire life to challenge her voice in my head. It has caused me to always examine the root of my thought patterns and insecurities. Takes more time and energy, but I am also more self aware than many people I know. I have also been told that I am very compassionate, which comes from both the ability to empathize and the ability to understand others insecurities.

I have chosen for it to make me better, not bitter. This article has been incredibly helpful in trying to understand how her drinking affected me. Thank you for that article! It's fascinating how much of that article rings true to me. I mean 1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 are things that describe me perfectly.

It's almost fascinating to think about what part is personality and what part is learned behavior and how different it could have been perhaps. Thank you for the insight. Glad I could help. Finding that article was eye opening for me too. It doesn't change the fact that changing all that takes work, but it does make it a little easier to understand. Yeah for sure. I don't want to blame someone or something on my failings but it at least explains some of the tendencies I have. Trying to change the behavior will be difficult though as I have been doing it for so long.

But thanks again, food for thought. My mother was born to a family of 7 brothers and siters in a third world communist country. Her father was a minister his entire life. He was physicaly abusive and would beat them, and on top of that, as i understand it molested eachother. My mother has had many abortions before i was born in the 80s and the only reason im alive is because she went to jail while she was pregnant with me and could not get an abortion at that time.

She was trading currency on the black market, common in comunist countries. I came to the US as refugees with my entire family. I have moved to 4 different states, countless cities in those states and have had countless "father figures" as I was growing up. I even lived in a shelter for a few years with my mom due to an abusive partner. I basically live don withdrawl slips all through school. At 16 my mother married an alcoholic and have been tormenting my family ever since. Before this my mother was married to a philipino man who was a great guy and was around from age 11 ish to 15 ish.

As I lived with this person I was constantly being shushed by my mom and told to keep quiet, not to say anything or stir anything. The majority of our communication was always buffered by my mom trying to "keep the peace" because he was a loud abrasive bastard. I dont have a clear picture of how things went but I can tell you from the prespective of an adult, recently. Over the past three years they have gotten a divorce, lost a house and filed for bankruptcy.

He was a productive drunk for the most part and worked construction running his own small company, but his and her decision making swung wildly.. He constantly bitched about the lights, the heat, water I was constantly an inconvenience because i consumed things as a minor, go figure.

His personality was always demeaning and offputting, and towards the tail end my mom developed a gambling addiction. Along with his drinking and her gamlbing is when they got the the losing the house part and bankruptcy. Last year we were at a family members house and it was the last straw for me he was drunk out o fhis mind and he always harasses all my family members, calls them names, acts like a schwanz, etc.

Well i got in a fist fight with him and beat the shit out o fhim, shortly after they divorced. He drives a truck now and periodically still comes by. My mother is currently sleeping with one of his friends infrequently as well as still with him and im more than positive he sleeps with hookers and people he knows across the nation because he has been caught by my mother before. I have tried to help out my mother financially, at one point she was 15k in debt and had asked to borrow money from me 3 times which i gave her money all three times.

I began to dig and that how i found out aobut how much she owed. We combined incomes and i moved home and i was helping her get back on her feet. I found out that she was still gambling, she even tried to have him ask me for 1. As far as personality goes hes what i noticed that has happened to me from both ends Recently I took a quick inventory of my life and noticed i carry pretty much all of their traits but without the addictions.

We are a product of my environments and i made a promise to mysel fi will have a good life. I am working on not being a dick and to stop being short with people I want to be closer to my friends and i want to have meaningful relationships with women. Im near 30 now and one thing i learned is to forget about blaming anyone, including myself I dont want to use anything or anyone as a crutch.

Im going to own my life and try to understand i have baggage and make a concious choice to not be like them and be myself. If i could talk about blaming them, i did for a long time and i still do to some degree but im working on it. I have rounded up all my own personal dissapointments and failed ventures on them, how i grew up and what was available to me.

At the end of the day, yes, i was dealt a real shit hand So what, how do i move forward now Anytime ive tried to cut corners or see anyone cut corners they move 10 steps back. I want to move forward and am trying to actively forge my own way, my own life and be healthy and enjoy my existence. I suffer from no addictions myself to substances other than smoking cigs.

My personality has been encombered and will be encumbered by them for a long time I took a drug and alcohol course for work and we did this exercise where the alcoholic or substance abuser was at the center and then surrounded by the family members as they were all trying to juggle life As much as i love my mother, i am ill equipped to help her and she has to want it therefore i cannot do anything. If i do help her it could mean putting my life on hold for years or even decades with no guarantee of success As much as it hurts i need her to do this on her own, if she wants, other than that i gotta break away and life my own life I learned that my father was an alcoholic when I was 16 years old.

After living with him and putting up with his behaviors for my entire life, I had no idea that his drinking at night had anything to do with his temper and violence. In high school I didn't have any freedom to do what I wanted, and I was always trapped inside my room because I knew that if I went downstairs, I would end up being in a confrontational situation. It was a very long 4 years, but through it all I went from having extreme self pity for myself and hatred towards him, to being very resilient.

I no longer let him walk all over me. People used to tell me that I had to respect him no matter what he did, because he was my father. I say fuck that, I am very sympathetic and our relationship has improved dramatically over the years, but I no longer hold back my words, if he is having a tantrum, I will call him out and I will say exactly what I feel, no matter how much it would be considered disrespectful. Because if I don't, nobody will.

Most alcoholics are not very emotionally mature because when they are faced with a difficult situation, they just guzzle down the booze and try to avoid it instead of being proactive. The key for me was to love him no matter what and be sympathetic, but never let his words affect me because he has no idea what he is talking about half the time. I notice that because of my upbringing, I have become quite introverted. I am a extremely private person and I find myself always second guessing people. You never know what kinds of secrets the people you meet have.

They put on a mask when they leave their homes, but when they return, they could be a completely different person. I think the most obvious behaviour change for me is in how I interact with my sons. I don't ever want them to see me as both a superhero and a loser, the was I grew up seeing my dad.

I do still enjoy drinking, on occasion, and I even brew though more for the creation aspect--which is why I look to cook, as well , but after a few drinks I start thinking about him every time I start another drink, and second-guessing where I am on that spectrum of drunkenness, and what it means if I go past a certain point. I start thinking about him every time I start another drink, and second-guessing where I am on that spectrum of drunkenness, and what it means if I go past a certain point.

Or god forbid you ever want a drink. That means it's definitely only a matter of time until you need a drink and then you're exactly where they are. Even if it is you only want one and it's just with friends on a Friday night after a stressful week. I don't have any personal experience with this, but I have been thinking about something and maybe I can get some input? Sorry, this is pretty long. I have a friend who is an alcoholic. He drinks every day and makes a point of buying beer with the highest alcohol content possible. His wife has made clear that he spends a ridiculous amount on alcohol each month.

He's aware he's an alcoholic -- has said so to me -- but he's definitely not trying to stop. He has a 6 year old. As far as I can tell, his alcoholism mostly consists of drinking all the time. I don't get the impression that he's abusive -- he's actually incredibly mellow. My question is, can you be an alcoholic without it adversely affecting your children?

Obviously there is always the element of spending a lot of money, but I don't think he gets trashed daily, he just is constantly drinking. Also, sort of apart from all that, how am I supposed to feel about drinking with someone who is an alcoholic? We don't hang out often but when we do there is almost always beer involved -- like I'll stop by for 2 hours and I'll have a beer.

Never getting trashed, though I like beer, and because he isn't ever ridiculous in his behavior, it seems like it's okay to drink with him. As the years go by, the damage alcohol does to the brain changes the addicts personality. My husband is becoming aggressive, nasty. He used to be a happy drunk who would do really funny things then go to sleep. Not any more. My dad was pretty fine as a functional alcoholic until I was about After that it became bad and he started to have mental issues and other health issues.

From there, it spiraled as my mother rightfully, she's a saint forced him to sleep downstairs. He eventually started to become slightly verbally abusive it didn't matter because I didn't care and never cared about his opinion and was a great student and generally just better than him anyway , but never physically.

We couldn't invite friends over as he'd often devolve to just shouting and shouting nonsense for hours and passing out wherever. He'd call me at all hours and just yell nonsense. He stopped cooking dinner and eventually stopped getting up in general. I moved to the college dorms despite living 25 minutes away because I couldn't deal with it. It affected me a lot as it was occurring, especially in high school. I never had a relationship with him as an adult, as he went to work before I woke up for school, came home, and passed out drunk watching television by himself everyday, and then I left for college and moved in with my girlfriend.

So as I knew him as a good father in my childhood, I never knew him as an adult in the world. I never got to sit with him and just shoot the shit as two dudes. He died two years ago, in his early 50s I'm 25 now. I pretty much never knew him, despite living with him for 20 years, so it wasn't that hard on me. He was a kind person, he didn't start missing work until a couple of months before he died so he supported our family, and he watched every season of football until that year.

He never got over his alcoholism and he never would have, as he relapsed multiple times. He's better off dead, as he was about to lose his job and my mother was about to divorce him at me and my sisters urging. He can rest now without struggling with such a heavy burden. Coming from having an abusive alcoholic father to a non-abusive functional alcoholic step-father I can answer this by saying that any addiction will adversely affect the children.

I am currently quitting smoking and while I didn't smoke around my children at all that was money I could use to put towards other things family wise and I am also killing myself slowly all for what? Me to get a fix? My children could possibly be with out there momma cause I thought my smoking habit more important than them. Same would go for him don't you think? Drinking every day for years can cause lots of health issues. There are other forms of abuse too like mental and emotional.

Some functional alcoholics tend to be one of those if not physically abusive. Either way you think about it, it is probably best for all involved to seek out help. I personally don't drink alcohol because of it. I have a kind of addictive personality in a lot of respects. Every time I stop drinking caffeine, I get an incredibly painful withdrawal compared with other people.

So I worry that if I indulged in alcohol, I might one day inflict the same pain I felt on others. Moderation sure - I just can imagine myself not being moderate and that being a catastrophe. I'm also way more indifferent to personal problems. I mean I was at home alone with my mother trying to talk her out of suicide when I was 10 years old. And at the time, I really didn't care.

I was just pure pragmatic, I just wanted things to work out and tried to keep myself emotionally distant so that I wouldn't fall apart. And I did a good job to that end. I still can. I can behave like I am completely ambivalent to my own emotions. Which is good and bad. I think it more often shocks people that I can talk about my mom dying in hospital or my own suicide attempts rather matter-of-factly. I also don't know if this is a result of my past, but I tend to like to have dominant women in my life. My successful relationships tend to be with a take charge and confident woman.

Anything else really doesn't pan out long term. But I mean overall I still have emotions and feelings. I still trust people. I don't care about people consuming alcohol. I just have a different way of dealing with my emotions than most. I also don't tolerate alcohol abuse and violence. I will always offer to drive people home to keep them off the roads. And I will physically stop or remove people acting aggressively under the influence of alcohol because I've seen where abuse can lead. I'm no fun, apparently. Drugs and alcohol both make me incredibly uncomfortable. I don't want to be around either.

People who are drinking make me uncomfortable as well. I drank one time in my life. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I know if I ventured down that road I would end up just like my father. The effects are so pervasive I don't even know where to begin. I think for one thing I'm much more fearful than I would have been otherwise.

That's what I said. There are times when I snap and do something really weird and my boyfriend goes "why are you so mad? I'm the same way. I feel so bad for my SO because I'm so used to people getting mad over stupid stuff and not actually resolving issues meanwhile he's a well-intentioned sweetheart. I can say that my parents overusage led me to a little amount of whiskey a weekend night, never to piss drunk.

I also hate when people say that they aren't resbonsible whatever they did when they were drunk. Before I was born, my mom left to get groceries and asked him to babysit my little sister while she was gone. He ended getting hammered, passing out, and my mom arrived home to my sister suffocating on dirt from a potted plant she had eaten.

Blue in the face, on the verge of death.

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Sobered him up right away. He went to AA, did all the steps and completed the program. Actually, his AA sponsor is my godfather. For years we celebrated 2 birthdays in February for my Dad and I didn't know why. Wasn't till I was about 10 when my sister told me one was his actual birthday and the other was the day of his last drink.

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Fast-forward to my middle school going into high school years ish age range. My dad retires from ComEd because they sold his fossil plant to Exelon. Exelon says "we will honor your ComEd pension if you work for us for another 5 years. Fairly young age. With some of his retirement money, he buys a local video rental store in our small hometown.

On a band trip to Florida, my dad and a few other dads came down and watched us play. This is where he relapsed, badly. Up until this point, all I've known was my dad sober. When I did work in the afternoons at said store, he was just absolutely shit rocked. I have no idea how he managed to not run that store into the ground. Luckily for him, the store pretty much ran itself and I did all the menial managerial stuff, but it got really bad.

The whole store would smell. One time, he made a drink or several, I have no clue , and put it in the store cooler. I get a phone call from a customer "um, yea so my son just bought a lemonade from your store and I went to open it for him and notice the seal was already broken. I smelled the lemonade and it smelled like gasoline.

I just wanted you to know that someone may be tampering with you drinks. It was even worse at home. He'd get physical with my mom and sister, verbally abusive and be just down right degrading. He called my sister a lesbian because she never had a boyfriend in high school, said my mom was worthless, it was rough. For you thinking why my mom didn't get a divorce sooner, she wanted to, but she wanted to stay together until I graduated high school.

It really made everything worse. Especially when both my sister and myself knew what was going on. It just built and built to almost uncontrollable levels. I had to physically restrain my dad multiple times. He completely ruined my 16th birthday by putting himself in the ER wrecking a mountain bike down a hill. Directly off the lot, he totaled a brand new Jeep Liberty off the back of a tanker truck that was "parked in the middle of the road. When we inspected the car, the speedometer was stuck at 70, keys still in the ignition, HUGE jaws of life hole cut in the divers side, and a bottle of blackberry brandy still in the back of the car in the junkyard.

My parents are divorced now. It was a long drawn out process. That's what happens when your father used to be a bookie. He got caught with 14 phone lines in the basement of his OWN house, spend zero days in jail and his partner spent 2 years. He was moving funds around so my mom didnt get all his money. He's told me all about it. He's so scummy, but he's still my dad.

I'd still talk to him while I was in college because after all, he's still my dad. For 14 years he did everything for me and with me. During that time he'd try to sober up, but he'd always relapse. He's a smooth talker that cons doctors into give him prescription meds he doesn't need he was a bookie after all.

Drinks on top of them, then harasses me. I've been graduated for nearly 6 years now, and our communication has broken down significantly. Just recently, his older sister passed away. He was the only son with 3 sisters. My aunt had MS. It absolutely ravaged her body away. Very hard to watch. When my other Aunt called me with the news that she wasn't doing well and it was only a matter of time, both her and I called my dad and he didn't answer.

To make matters worse, when she did pass away 3 days later, he never even went to her funeral. I stopped talking to him for quite some time after that. When he called me, all I could tell him was "You raised me to be a better man that that. Funerals are hard, yes, but if my sister passed away, you're god damn right I'd have been there. I'm old enough now to take what positives I can from him being a father, while learning from the negatives as well, no matter how hard they were.

I know my mom constantly worries since alcoholism can be genetic, but after watching what it's done to my family, I will never, ever, allow for that to happen when I become a father one day. Everybody here, you might benefit from checking out some AlAnon meetings.

17 Ways to Really Piss Your Spouse Off During Your Divorce | Psychology Today

Lots of people have heard of AA meetings; AlAnon is not for the alcoholic but for the loved ones of the alcoholic or other type of addict, its not just for alcoholics. I did, and they helped me a lot. You meet other people in situations similar to yours, people who can sympathize with you better than someone who hasn't had to go through the same sort of ordeal.

If you are a teen, look for AlAteen meetings, which are specifically for young people. As far as answering your question, OP, as I grow older I just feel hyper-aware of my parent's problem and my similarities to them, and am doing everything I can to learn from their mistakes, to be honest with myself about who I am and my own weaknesses, and to understand that it's not my responsibility to deal with my parent's alcohol and other problems.

Sometimes I feel afraid that I'm doomed to have the same problems they have, or I feel like I'm not good enough to be in a long-term relationship with anyone. But, I try to remind myself and have people that I look up to who remind me when I'm all depressed and shit that I am perfectly capable of growing and being an okay human being. To the other people here, many of which I'm sure have had it way worse than me, I sincerely wish you the best, and I send you internet hugs. I actually made an account after seeing this as a long time lurker. My dad was a giant alcoholic since I was a child but died in my sophomore year of college a few years ago I find myself to be very outgoing in certain situations and make jokes at most things my coping mechanism but suffer from a hidden low self confidence, poor body image even though I over lift and am in good shape and want to please most people.

He was only ever physically abusive in one instance as a young child though it is engrained in my memory. Him back handing me across the face after coming into my room. I've become a huge drink since college, never toughing a drop before senior year. I tend to suffer from depression and anxiety on large levels. Sometimes I feel like I've become the person I hated in my younger years.

I'd tell a lot more but I'm doing this on my phone and its pain. My step-father is an addict - but was sober my entire childhood. Because of this, there was never any alcohol in the house. So I was never around it and honestly I never really cared. I definitely drank a shit ton in college and love my wine now! But I appreciate the fact addiction is dangerous so I practice moderation. Well, my father's an alcoholic. I'm very young still and haven't ever been abused or too affected by it, but it got me to stop drinking when I started having serious problems with it.

I realized I didn't want to end up like him. He's taught me that no matter what, the human spirit is stronger than any addiction. He's a total inspiration to me, and is the reason I limit my drinking whenever I go out. I'm super nervous to drink. I don't like dating men who drink. I just am absolutely paranoid. I'm working on it. Me too. I can't do men who drink alcohol. I don't drink it, I don't want to feel pressured to drink it. If I get married, I don't want a husband who does it.

Alcohol is not something I like and I want to share that in common with my husband. My dad drank and that was like how he had fun, my mom hated that about their relationship. They weren't interested in having fun the same way. My mum was always too drunk to talk to when i was growing up. This really hurt me emotionally as a little kid. It made me internalise a lot of my problems and i think it manifested as general anxiety later in life. Nearly every day id be trapped in a house with those two fighting and screaming at eachother and then the next morning they either had no memory of the fight or they pretended they didnt remember.

The holes in the walls made me think the latter was more true. It says it all. My stepmom is an alcoholic and was addicted to prescription meds. Going to rehab to visit her on Christmas was eye opening and I'm very against the use of any type of drug now. Also, it's not intended to be judgmental but if anyone I know uses drugs I lose respect for them because they don't have respect for themselves enough to be healthy.

My dad has been a recovering alcoholic since about 9 months before I was born his quitting drinking resulted his sperm finally flying straight. While I have never seen him drunk, the shadow of his alcoholism has definitely affected who I am. I got hellishly drunk a couple times during my freshman year because I didn't know how to handle the substance. In sum: Was scared of alcohol, believed my father's dire warnings of my impending alcoholism, feel the need to fix people, and can't talk to him.

Also, I have high anxiety about all the things because he's got a short temper. I didn't have a terrible childhood or anything. My dad was the alcoholic, but my parents have been divorced for as long as I can remember. I mostly lived with my mom, but spent summers with my dad. He was actually pretty functional most of my life and wasn't angry or violent, so it didn't screw me up as bad as some. He ended up seriously brain damaged and destroyed his health, and this turned him into a miserable person.

He became angry over every little thing, and would call me every once in a while usually to bitch about something. I was in college and then graduate school while this was happening, and this was when I learned I could almost completely detach myself from him. It's probably more than a little messed up that I could in a sense turn off the caring, but I don't think I would have survived graduate school if I didn't. My dad was a pretty heavy drinker in my younger days. He's mostly settled down now, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not subconsciously trying to out-do him.

My biggest fear is that if I drink too much, it'll flip some kind of switch in me and I won't be able to stop. My mother drank to try and self-treat her bipolarity. This worked about as well as you can imagine. So I've never really gotten "party drunk" so to speak - nothing that would give me a hangover or anything. I also get panic attacks when people raise their voices and argue around me. It makes it extremely difficult for me to deal with confrontation, especially by authority figures. I think my Dad was always an alcoholic. We've never been close emotionally I generally tried to remain unnoticed by him, so that suggests something was off between us , and most of my memories of him involve him drinking or being hungover.

Dad's alcoholism increased greatly after my mum's death he'd come home from work at around 4pm and sit in front of the television drinking beer until dinner time, eat and then return to drinking until he went to bed. His alcoholism fucked me up in many ways emotionally; I have trust issues, struggle to form friendships I feel like people are only interested in me on a personal level to have access to "emotional ammunition" to use against me later , hate being noticed by people even when I'm doing something positive, and feel like I deserve to fail at everything I attempt.

I absolutely loathe addiction and hate that many addicts are unwilling to see how much they are fucking up the lives of their family because they are still managing to function on some level still go to work or aren't physically abusive, etc. As an adult, I may as well not exist to him I think the last time I saw him was 2 years ago for about 10mins; probably a couple of year gap before that - the issue is obviously just with me, because he spends time with both my other sisters regularly never been able to work out what his problem is, tho.

I try not to care. I'm just kinda waiting for that message from my sisters to say he's either dead or dying with a liver issue. I'll have a beer every so often, but I'll never give the time of day to a woman who drinks vodka. The smell reminds me of my mother leaving for work and kissing us goodbye with booze on her breath. I've always hated her for the fits she would throw when she had a long night of drinking and forgot that she drank her whole bottle, only to blame us for pouring it out or hiding it from her.

I'm not really later on in life but right now it's made me seclude myself from people and I also really don't feel comfortable being around people while they're drinking. I am acutely aware of people's moods. I adapt accordingly to fit what their expectations of how everyone should be around them. I know within 5 minutes of meeting someone what makes them tick, so to speak, I know what their insecurities are, and how to avoid making people upset with me.

I hate it when someone is displeased or angry with me, or something I did. Doing something perceived "wrong" is the worst. My father was a ruthless closet alcoholic. My mother would cover for him all the time. No one outside our family was aware. We never talked about it or mentioned it growing up. It was always "Dad is acting strange".

He was abusive both physically and mentally. He was beyond intelligent as well, and was a psychologist. He would play horrific mind games that I suppose I picked up when he did them to me. After the age of 8 years old, I have no pleasant childhood memories when it comes to him. He worked for a psychiatric institute for the criminally insane for years, and I truly believe that's what broke him.

I understand his coping mechanisms were broken, but he should never have had children. To this day, my family is broken, and we don't talk to each other frequently. After years of therapy, I have found that I am more angry with my mother for not doing anything about it and enabling it to go on. And on. I like to think I have come out the other side.

I have come to terms with a lot that has happened, and feel content with who I am now. I think the thing that sticks with me the most is the not telling anyone. I hate lies and half-truths. I wish I had the guts to have told someone when I was younger to get out of that situation. But I was paralyzed with fear. I could talk about this for ever.

Such a big part of my life, obviously, with far-reaching effects. I rarely do. The thought of becoming him is terrifying. In all honesty, I have no idea. There were a lot of weird things that happened in my childhood that I have always remembered, but which have only ever seemed weird when I saw how normal kids grew up, much later in life. My dad was an alcoholic, and was around for half my life, so he influenced a big part, but I have no idea how. To me, him being in and out of the hospital was normal, so was going to bars with him in the middle of the afternoon they also served food, which is why my brother and I were allowed in I'm sure , having therapists and moderators mediating our phone conversations later on, and glassy eyes and yellow skin and moving constantly were just all a part of having a dad to me.

He wasn't mean, he was sweet, just troubled. The only real noticeable effects I've seen are a I'm incredibly uncomfortable around drunk people if I'm sober. Incredibly, to the point where I have a mini mental breakdown. They just look so I have to forever live with the fear that I am nothing but a ticking time bomb waiting for the next sip, the next line, the next hit and suddenly I'm spiraling down a wave of addiction. Addiction is in my blood, and it tricks you into thinking you don't have a problem. EDIT: oh, and I tend to date guys who hate themselves, are addicts or depressed.

Or a combination of the three. My mother often grew very paranoid, and violently confrontational when she was drunk. She was also very bipolar. This led to violent screaming, and physical confrontations with my step dad, which could go on for hours. I usually responded by climbing out my bedroom window, and walking the town at night until I though it was safe to go back. As a result I have an almost pathological fear of confrontation. I can't express myself properly when I'm unhappy about something, so it festers, and grows.

The other person has no idea why I'm acting this way, which usually freaks them out, or pisses them off. I basically have no ability to communicate like an intelligent adult when I'm angry. In addition to that, and this annoys me to no end. I have a deep seated instinct to try to please people, and get anxious if I think someone doesn't like me.

She died one month after her 40th birthday from a laundry list of lifestyle induced health problems. I turn 40 in two weeks, and for the past year I've been increasingly, and irrationally terrified that I'm about to die. On the bright side. I'm neither Bipolar or an addict, so I've got that going for me which is nice. My father is an alcoholic. I am now I need to have everything planned. No surprise outings, parties etc. I would never know when Dad would come home drunk.

Now I can't tolerate uncertainty in my schedule. Does that make sense? My husband understands this so he always calls if he is going to be late. I also don't make attachments easily. Everyone else, while I would be sad for a bit not to have them as a friend anymore, it boils down to a "meh". I know that is somewhat antisocial, but I can't help it. On the plus, I forgave him a long time ago. I've learned to let go of the anger.

This sums me up well. From the same blog, this is another good one. My father is an alcoholic and it's strongly reinforced my resolve to abstain from alcohol or other drugs. I have no qualms with other people drinking, just so long as it's done responsibly So if you need a designated driver, I'm your man.

But he's been drinking since he was 16 and now he's nearly When he married my mother, he apparently kept his alcoholism a secret and my mom never found out for about 8 years. As time grew on, his problem became more rampant, eventually becoming violent and inevitably ending in divorce. While he never physically abused me, when drunk, he would sternly threaten me, lock himself in his room and proceed to neglect me for hours and sometimes entire days whenever I had to stay with him.

Looking back at it now, it was tragic and sad to see that he's lost all his coping mechanisms and resorts straight to drinking whenever the smallest amount of stress bothers him. It's only been within the past 2 years that he's gone through intense psychotherapy and somehow nullified his desire to drink, but he's nothing more than just a shell of what he once was. Not to mention all those years of drinking weren't kind to his liver, and is now starting to feel the consequences for it.

I never want to put my children through any of that, and I strive to become a more decent man and person than he ever was. Although he put me through hell, I still love him and I'm secretly grateful that despite the many trials and burdens I had to put up with him, I can learn from his mistakes and become a better person from it. I'm on my phone and this will be rambly. Lets see. Background info first. From about age ten my mom started drinking heavily every night, but was able to be sober durring the day. From age 12 on she's been pretty much drunk all the time.

In the last 9 years shes been sober for a grand total of less than two months. I've seen her blow a. Her DWI a couple weeks ago? She's not your average drunk. People just can't comprehend how bad she is. She has driven over the curb, blew out her tires, and hid her car in a parking garage. I've had to call over 12 times due to her ODing on pills and alcohol. She goes through over 5 handles of vodka a week.

She hasn't been employed for four out of the last five years. Now shes renting a one bedroom apartment and after spending 23 days in the hospital immediately drove on her conditional license to get vodka. Ok now you have a sample of what I'm dealing with. I'm going to try to be very honest and introspective here. Feel free to ask any questions or speculate what effects I might not be aware of or am misattributing. Firstly I don't drink or use drugs.

I have never been intoxicated and have no plans to. I can't even drink a beer, I like the taste of some drinks but the alcohol taste on my breath after drinking reminds me of my Mom and I just can't do it. From when I was about twelve she started being drunk all the time. My Dad left her when I was thirteen. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He worked nights and could only afford a shitty apartment so felt it would be better for us to stay with her when he was working because if nothing else we at least had cable, internet, and all our stuff. So from I spent five days a week at my moms house minimum.

Because of that I am now much more self sufficient and responsible. I had to do things for myself and by myself. For example I thought myself to drive. I couldn't ask questions about what to do or anything. I had to cook, clean etc She was simply a toddler with a credit card my sister and I had to drag around. So because of her I learned how to be very self reliant. I also was very responsible for my age. She literally did not care at all, onr time I borrowed her car to hang out with a girl and she said to bring it back by 10 at the latest. I came home around and she said she thought I never left.

So basically I had unlimited freedom. I maintained high grades in high school. I graduated CC with a 3. I never got in any trouble at school, at work, or with the police. I never snaked money from her or anything. I never wrecked the car. I'm always very punctual and do the right thing.

This has all been with no pressure or guidance. I just do it myself and have since I was 13 or From about twelve to 18 I thought that I, we could get her to stop drinking. So I, and my sister became co-dependent trying different things to make her happy or whatever so she would stop. Now I know how it affected me, and it seems to have done the same to my sister. I am way to quick to give second chances.

Someone can fuck me over three times in a row and then I'll immediately give them a fourth chance, it because I am always trying to please everyone. Asshole customers at work, my professors, my boss, people at school who ask me for things, I am always giving rides and never getting gas money or anything. I will pretty much bend over backwards and do thigns I don't want to in an attempt to please others.

This is partially because I've gotten in the habit of it from a young age but also because of low self esteem. Which I can in part trace back to my mom. When she first started becoming an alcoholic she would only drink at night. Night was the only time she would ever talk to me, about anything. I wasn't stupid I put two and two together and realized she only wanted to talk to me when she was drunk. Later on it became a case of all she had to do to have my sister and I visit or live with her was be sober for just the time we were there. And she couldn't do that. She would say she was going to have somthing planned for my birthday but I would get home and she would be passed out and there would be no presents or cake or anything.

Not even a happy birthday now I don't give a shit about birthdays. Anytime she wasn't completely gone she would freakout and scream at my sister and I over any little thing we did wrong or annoying. One time I locked the front door before bed because she never would. Her boyfriend came over found it locked and left.

She woke me up screaming fuck you and then ran out in the street fell to her knees punching the pavement yelling comeback, and then turning towards the house screaming fuck you and flipping the bird. All this going on from ages isn't great for self esteem building. I don't really have any close relationships with other people. I don't have a best friend, I don't really have friends at all.

In I only hungout with people three times. I've never really had a girlfriend and never been with a girl. There are a multitude of reasons for all this but some can be traced back to her alcoholism. First is the self esteem thing, I just can't see a girl being attracted to me, I don't know if any have ever shown interest in me but if they have I haven't noticed. Its not that I'm super bad looking or anything.

I'm probably, I don't know, a six or so.